ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
