R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
