I'm so fucking centered right now
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize