hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
sarcasm needs its own font
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
