Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
