My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
