I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
