Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
