My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
