I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
