Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
