His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
how does that bad decision feel?
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