omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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