the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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