My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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