You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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