I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
