Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
