the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
