She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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