On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
