I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize