I smell stomach acid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
