Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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