He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
