I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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