Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
