I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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