Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
