Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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