If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
