Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
