Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
