i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
