for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
