I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
