shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
