Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All the doctor said was why
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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