I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
