I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize