Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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