i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
