My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
