i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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