Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
