why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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