he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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