Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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