I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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