At least make sure they are 18
Why
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
