I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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