nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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