I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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