i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
