my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
