Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
