I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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