i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
