is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize