I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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