u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
