he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
