What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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