this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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