I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
